From both sides now

I love this song. Originally written by Joni Mitchell whilst looking out of the window of an airborne plane. Which is exactly what I am doing right now! I have never written a blog 35000 feet in the air, in fact I am not sure I have ever written anything 35000 feet in the air, except maybe an immigration card. But I have 17 hours to kill and I don't do movies or reading all that well in the air. Music yes - movies and reading no. Must be something to do with my eyesight and motion sickness. Or I'm just waiting patiently to die. To really look at life from both sides. But then it wouldn't be life.






My nephew Isaac and I are off to Florida. He is my only nephew - I am his only Aunty - We have no choice. We are stuck with each other.
It hasn't been a long term plan, it all came about quite suddenly actually - but here we are. Bonding. Good Lord who knew that 16 year old boys never. stop. eating. Ever!
I never thought I would have the opportunity to look at life from the responsible parental side - but here I am. I've already misplaced my phone and my wallet and my mind. I don't know who is keeping an eye on who here but I'm keeping up appearances. I only see Isaac 3 or 4 times a year. But at 16 I now realise we can look at each other without speaking and sense each others thoughts. It must be a DNA thing. 




We are off to Winter Garden near Orlando to visit Isaac's godparents Colin and Sara and we are pretty darn excited! I have even become a short term Florida blonde! And we have already agreed 
#whathappensinfloridastaysinflorida!
I have never been to the eastern side of the USA. Only the west side and of course Hawaii. And Isaac has never been to the States at all so this was a first for us both. Immigration was a little confronting - it was helpful that we both carry the same last name and they were convinced I was not kidnapping a teenager who is 6 inches taller than me! 




In the last few months I have been to a run of concerts. All of them superb and all of them artists imitating the genuine artist. I know there is a word for that but we are experiencing a few bumps up here and I can't think of it right now. 
All I can think is why isn't the Captain flying higher! Or lower, or left, or right! Stat!
Simon and Garfunkel, Carol King and Adele.
In fact I have worked out that if I listen to Adele sing 'Hello' 170 times we will be on approach to Dallas- Fort Worth Texas! That doesn't seem too painless now does it? 
I think it's an excellent way of looking at things.

Hello from the outside.. I must have called a thousand times ..

Hello from the outside.. I must have called a thousand times ..

Hello from the outside.. I must have called a thousand times ..

In the early 1980's I saw the real Simon and Garfunkel in Brisbane at the then Lang Park. I remember it was fantastic. In the 1990's I saw Art Garfunkel at the Palais in Melbourne. Also fantastic. There is slim to no chance that we will ever see these guys reunited one last time but I have to tell you these copy boys were awesome. I cringe at this overused word but we are still travelling on this bumpy road up here and I am feeling around for my ginger pills. I am.


For the last 6 months I have once again been commuting over the bridge each day while waiting for my new little shack to be completed in June 2017. It is still ghastly, even worse than 3 years ago - the only difference being that the little red bambino with the 6 speeds, and outrageously overpriced parts had to be traded in. I was immensely gutted. I miss it so much. I have a black car now. It has absolutely no personality whatsoever save for a black pineapple decal. The only thing that I really love about it is that it is automatic. I can actually walk when I get home after battling the bridge. Except for the week I had to have 11 injections in my foot to kill off a troublesome nerve (which ended my tap dancing career) with radio frequency ablation. And the side from which I was looking at that little procedure was not all that flash! 

Three years back I wrote how my boss, the Principal had resigned. 
I'd only worked with her 18 months! And now it's gone and happened again. 
And now I go through the wondering and waiting - what will happen to little old me. 
It's immensely unsettling.
One of my friends introduced me to a version of 'Sound of Silence' by Disturbed.
In comparison to the Simon and Garfunkel original it is a very grungy, earthy rendition and it is fabulous. 
Almost awesome. 

Except of late I often think how much the sound of silence really is disturbing. 
Worrying. Confusing. In so many ways.


But now - having escaped Hurricane Matthew by 10 days, the Zika virus and alligator attacks - here we are at home. Both of us back at school.

What a wonderful adventure we had. Such a beautiful warm welcome and an itinerary perfectly balanced with up time and down time. I think we did it all! Sea World, Cape Canaveral, Disney Springs, Outlet shopping, professional soccer and NFL games, Wild Florida, Airboat rides, swimming, rain, sun and humidity. And boy do I mean humidity. 34' with 98% humidity. Trust me - it was sweat running down your cheeks hot. That would be the cheeks on your face! Cheeky!

Oh and did I mention my Cabana. Well if I saw life from the other side it was in my Cabana. My very own Cabana. With a TV and a fan and a fridge. Six feet away from the adults only pool. With staff fawning all over me. And my name written in the sky! Yes really! 
No not really - I thought it was SUSI but it was actually JeSUS Loves. Oh well!
I was getting a little full of myself.
It was difficult to decide whether to hang in my suite ( yes suite ) or my Cabana. The "Pretty Woman" moments were heady! 





The only thing missing were some friends of legal age to help me decide between a margarita or a daiquiri! 

Best Godparents ever! ( actually the other one is awesome too .. just in case she is reading this! )










And eating - yes we did. No paleo, gluten free, high fat low fat no fat. No gigantic portions. Just really great southern food. With a few hot dogs and mexican grub thrown in.
My favourite night was at the Ritz Carlton. Eating my Key Lime Pie. A little slice of heaven. Secretly, I really didn't want to but I shared it with Team Florida.

Having never been a parent and never understanding the tremendous responsibility of the role I now have a different perspective of the admiration I feel for parents.
We had a wonderful time in Florida Isaac and I, but when the wheels downed in Sydney and we basically ignored each other to be cool - while simultaneously high five-ing and hugging that we had made it there and back without incident - I felt the great weight of responsibility lift. Well actually there was one incident when I threw the teddy out of the pram on the 17 hour flight home, having been travelling 7 hours already, and there was nothing left to feed my boy except fruit salad - FRUIT SALAD!!  Stern words to Qantas have been spoken. I know forever more I will be a marked person but hey! I will give you some advice - NEVER EVER sit in row 28 on an A380 in Premium Economy unless you love Fruit Salad. Because that is all that is ever left to eat. Or so they tell you. Until you have a meltdown and suggest to the jumped up twenty something year old flight attendant that if for $5500 you cannot find me one sausage on this whole freaking aircraft then send the Customer Services Manager down to me NOW!! It worked. I scared everyone around me, I even scared myself a little bit but our boy got to eat. 
And yay me I say. I do.
However -  since stern words were emailed I have received a phone call from a crew member agreeing with every word I said! And on my way home from a quickie to Brissy last weekend the Customer Services Manager on the flight came and singled me out and we had a very nice chat. Indeed. Seems I am a marked person but maybe in a very nice way.

Even though I wasn't really ready to leave such a wonderful holiday, I was quite sad  - it was such an immense relief to arrive home safely from Florida .. until the grim discovery that I was sans handbag. That would be handbag containing wallet, passport, cards, glasses etc etc etc.
The only thing I had was my phone in my hand. Through fatigued tears tears and more tears I called Melbourne Airport to no avail.  I was overwhelmed and resigned. Finally I was put through to a message service and between sobs I left my name and phone number. I could barely understand myself. And then I headed back to Tullamarine. The trolley that had my little Lulu Lemon handbag resting in was gone. The trolley had been collected. More uncontrollable tears. I was officially done in. Fatigued.
So I headed to the lost property desk which doubled as a tour desk where a young man was seated. That poor kid. And in between more tears he finally figured out what I was trying to say and he reached down under his desk and pulled out Lulu. Is this it he said?

If life hands you a lemon - make sure it's a Lulu! 






From despair to euphoria in 5 seconds. 
Jesus really does love!
I've looked at life from both sides now. 
Well in the past 5 weeks anyway. 
I am going back to the brunette side.
And no - I really don't know life at all. Still.


Both sides now - with a French view https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alDjmCnOQYg

Oh happy day ..

"Of all the problems which have plagued me throughout my life - some of them actually happened"


This was the single most powerful statement that resonated with me while "on retreat".

Happy New Year!
I know it was a month ago but to me the New Year always starts on February 1st. A special day.
Kick off day. I find a lot of energy around February 1st. 
And not because I am giving up the vino - even if it is organic.

But this year for me - I have to say, my new view on life kicked off on December 27th!

Sunday the 27th - the big day had finally arrived.
I was excited and yet quietly nervous at the same time.
That morning I had already decided - no coffee. But alas, it is not easy to say no to a Nonna who has the coffee freshly brewed awaiting your very presence.
So of course I said yes - to keep the peace.

My family were dropping me off at Gwinganna in the Tallebudgera Valley.
For two weeks. At the time I booked myself in for two weeks I really had no idea what I was signing up for. I really had no idea what detox was.
I really had no idea how ill-researched I was! I really had no idea about anything.

Lunch at the Marina Mirage, enroute to drop off was suggested.
I said yes - to keep the peace.

I selected seafood. 
Had I known then what I know now - it would have been rump. 
A lot of rump.

It was suggested that giving up alcohol 3 days prior to incarceration was probably a good idea. Translation - give up alcohol on the 24th, 25th, 26th December? 
Like that's gonna happen! 
How else would we amuse ourselves and keep up the pretense of sanity!
My seafood was accompanied by a lovely little rose. To keep the peace.
Just as I had a Frangelico Affogato for dessert. 
To keep the peace.








So by the time we wound our way up Tally Mountain I actually was feeling quite peaceful.
I was so up for this!




Until it came time to say goodbye.
I was quite emotional. Don't get out - just drop me and go!
The words from Star Wars sprang to mind as Mrs Skywalker told her son Anakin as he embarked on a life changing journey. " Go now, be brave and don't look back. Don't look back."  






And I haven't looked back since.
It wasn't easy. In fact it was quite a challenge.


Each day began with a 5:30 am cheery wake up call. 
Knock Knock Knock GOOD MORNING SUSAN!
Occasionally it was difficult to remain 'nice'.
And each day ended at 8:00 pm when I fell into rather an exhausted heap.
The circadian rhythm was VERY important. But I can't tell you the number of times I wished the air conditioner had been a TV - but no matter how many different angles I tried the remote - it just wasn't.
And it wasn't just an emotional and physical detox. Why stop there. A digital detox also.
I have to say - I found a lot of comfort in this and have attempted to maintain it since -  even just a little bit. It did help that coverage was ghastly. And the no phone rule outside of rooms was a big hint. 
Sorry if I didn't like you on Facebook for two weeks.
I was too busy loving myself.






All through the day we ate. We ate a lot. A lot of green stuff. Mountains of green stuff.
Gluten free, sugar free, alcohol free, caffeine free, grain free, dairy free - as well as the green stuff. And two days of each week were vegetarian. More green stuff. 
And pumpkin. So. Much. Pumpkin.
I am slightly exaggerating. The cuisine was spectacular. Even the green stuff. But just so much of it!
And tea. Drinking copious amounts of tea. Detox tea, Calming tea, Licorice tea, Dandelion Tea, Berry and Vanilla Tea, Ginger and Tumeric tea. Tea Tea Tea.






At Gwinganna, I accepted a little reluctantly that this
was no place for prudishness.
Stories of one's bowel habits and life's emotional journey were as abundant as the tea.
'What bought you to Gwinganna' was a very common opening line.
I found it quite confronting to be there alone. Sitting at each meal with eight new people three times a day can wear you down a little. 
But that was a small price to pay for the rest of the day.
All sorts of stuff to enjoy. Two gorgeous pools, they were my favourite - deep water running and water volleyball and basically lolling around. A fully equipped gym with Pilates equipment, my second favourite. 
Dancing and Zumba and Latin Dancing and NIA ( that's non impact aerobic and it's fun fun fun! ) and Yoga and Hiking ( I don't do hiking yuk ), and cooking classes and drumming and Qi Dong and Tai Chi, Meditation, Tennis and gosh I don't remember what else. 
So so much to do.
Or do nothing. Whatever your heart called out to you.

And then we get to the mind. Everyday from 11:00 am to 1:00 pm. All sorts of interesting sessions. The only problem with that was in  the first two days by 11:00 am - everyone was ready to sleep. Detox headaches and fatigue. But battle on we did.
Posture, breathing, pooing ( I did warn you ) sugar, relationships, stress, exercise - so many things to hear and learn.  
The most overused and boring word. Busy. Oh I'm so busy, Oh I've been busy. Oh life is just too busy. I've had a busy bee in my busy bonnet over this word for a while now. I was so elated ( perhaps the detox made my emotions run even higher ) to hear someone else referring to this word being thrown around like it's a badge of honour. Enough of the busy.




But the best part ( and the most exquisitely painful on the pocket! ) was The Dreamtime!
From 2:00 pm to 7:00 pm. The Dreamtime - where the Spa was the most luxurious hangout for as long as your wallet could manage!
Massages , facials, traditional chinese medicine, naturopaths, nutritionists, pilates 1:1 classes, kinesiology ( I'm not a fan ), colonic irrigation ( oddly enough there is a queue for this? ) horse therapy ( sadly not betting ), super crystal steam room and all sorts of psychological counselling should that be your thing.









It was delicious. My first treatment was traditional chinese medicine. For my chronically aching shoulder. Jo - the lovely therapist asked me if I had experience with acupuncture.
I said yes. ( Men skip to next paragraph )  I used to have a very irregular period and it responded very well to acupuncture. 
Well you think at my ripe old age of 54 just one week ago - all that nonsense would be over. But no. Seems I am still ripe. Not twenty minutes after I bid Jo goodbye it was all on. For Gods sake. 43 years and 1 month. 
Ask me about suffering and tension and tears and Kit Kats. Go on ASK ME!! ASK ME!!
I dare you!
When I had a second session with Jo in week two of my stay I firmly warned her against going to those particular acupuncture points ... Enough! Namaste.

Somewhere at around the the halfway point it started.
The itch. Not to pack up and leave though the thought at times was very tempting. 

A really bad itch! So bad I had to use my hair brush to itchy myself and my skin was burning up. 
Heat rash. Me? Surely not.
Too much aloe? Too much magnesium? Too much tea? Too many greens?

It was excruciating. Arms and legs and tummy. And not a bloody anti-histamine in sight. Oh God. With the greatest of respect I am dying here and sucking on an organic leaf is not going to help. I was ready to leave. I called my brother - please come and get me I AM DYING. I was terrified I might have an anaphylactic reaction and die alone in my bed. And destroy the circadian rhythm. With no TV.
Under the cold shower at 1:00 AM for respite.
I was miserable.  Miserable.




Until that was - until the mystical moment that I stepped on the scales. 
Day 12 of 14.  
O.M.G. I had lost 4 kgs in 12 days. O.M G  O.M.G  
 O.M.G  O.M.G !!!!!!!!!!!!
My sluggish thyroid was clearly responding to the detox. 
The tea, the greens, the exercise, the spa, the peace, the pumpkin - I even loved the acupuncture.
My God how much more weight could I lose if I signed up for the Colonic Irrigation?!!?
Not only was I on top of the mountain - I was on top of the world.
After battling to lose even one kg in two years I had lost 4 kgs in 12 days! 
Proud of myself? YES. Immensely.




SO with only two days left, bugger the rash, I hit the gym and I hit the pool and I sweated and I scratched and scratched and scratched until there they were.
My family. Come back to fetch me.
Oh happy days. 
Go directly to Chemist Warehouse, do not stop - Calamine Lotion and Anti-histamines.
I may be an earth Goddess now - but I'm not an idiot. Three days later prescription steroids were called for but to stop the itch - you gotta do what you gotta do!

With the exception of a few glasses of 
birthday rose and a few slices of birthday cake etc etc etc I have managed to stay on the paleo track. I have managed to shed another kg and in doing so I have become a domestic earth goddess barefoot and organic in the kitchen!
I have also has the added bonus of meeting two other earth goddesses with whom I bonded over greens, life and and a touch of cynicism. How lovely that is.

This paleo path won't be forever - sadly some things never are, nor should they be - but it's for now. 
On a poignant little note, this month I will say ciao to the little red bambino.
It has been such a big part of my life for the last 7 years, it has brought me so much happiness and it has brought me so many tight fitting car spots, and we have zoomed through the middle of so many roundabouts - but like me -  the little red bambino is growing older and Italian parts don't come cheaply! I am so grateful it was a part of my life and I hope the next owner loves it as much as I always will  - but like Anakin - I won't look back.

I hope wherever you are today it's a happy day for you and a happy year, with a few glasses of something red, or pink, or bubbly. Organic. 
Happy New Year You.
With love.

The most wonderful time of the year!

I've been a little quiet of late. Externally anyway. Lots of mind chatter but 

too busy getting my life in order to reflect and write. 

Two of my favourite things.

House sold. House packed up. House locked up. Favourite rose transplanted. Lights out. 

End of chapter.

I drove past the "cutest little house in Yarraville" last night and even though I 

felt a certain sadness, I did okay.

I think the fact that the new owners arrived on the day of settlement 1 hour before they were due to arrive and had a very severe and extended dig at me in the dying moments - most likely helped somewhat.

There I was - cleaning their house, for them, and was on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse. 'YOU shouldn't be here. YOU don't own this house anymore. WE own this house. You should be out. THIS house should have been cleaned a week ago!'

Well. After the initial shock subsided ..

Never have a go at a woman with a vacuum cleaner in one hand and a bottle of spray and wipe in the other. Particularly when she has an erratic thyroid!

The pointer finger came out. DO. NOT. EVEN. START. I said to hysterical lady and whiney man. DO. NOT. EVEN. START.  God is there anything worse than a whiney man. 

And so I gathered up my cleaning products, calmly dropped from a theatrical height - all of them, into the bin and walked around MY little house one last time. It was interesting that as I did this only the 
saddest and most heartbreaking of memories came to mind. 

A little while ago someone I have ongoing respect for told me to 'trust your gut'.

I have tried but it hasn't worked very well.

Until it suddenly dawned on me that maybe my gut was not in good enough condition to trust!

Maybe all the stress cortisol is playing havoc with me! Maybe it's my low iron!

This year I reached the Medicare Safety Net. First time ever. So I was up for anything the tax payer would cover. I put my serious hospital aversion on hold and reaped the reward. 

Last week I had to have an iron infusion because I have no iron!

Well that was interesting.

My doctor said how are you managing to get out of bed?

I said because I have to. When you have to push on you have to push on.

She said I might feel a little flu like over the weekend.

Well I didn't feel flu like. I woke up at midnight with pains in the chest, hot sweats, dizziness and nausea. I won't lie. It was very very scary. I thought okay well this is probably it. 

But 3 days later here I am. 

But in that moment lying on the floor overcome with dizziness I decided it was time.The perfect time.

I am going on a Health Retreat. Alone. 

Time for me to get my own house in order.

I am very excited though somewhat nervous at the same time.

Two weeks to calm my mind and repair my gut so once again I can trust it's instincts. Time to power off the laptop, iPad and iPhone. 

Bliss. I think. No alcohol, no gluten. Yes no alcohol. At this time of year! Oh God. Bliss. I think.

I went to see Oprah last week. I know - many people have asked me why?
But spending my 20's and 30's as a shift worker and filling in the daytime hours I feel we are closely acquainted, me and the big O. It wasn't everything I had hoped for but one thing I did come away with was her little chat about doing everything with intent. It did call out to me.

So that is want I am doing. From the 27th December to the 10th January I will be doing this retreat - with intent.

I am looking forward to the New Year. The building works of my new shack right next door to my current shack is now well under way. Major dirt dust and noise. I am loving it! 
It is exciting to witness day by day the progress.











I wish every little one of you near and far a very happy Christmas. I think of you more than you would know. 
And I hope that the New Year is shiny and bright. 
With love and intent.

It's fine sweetheart, everything is fine ..

And so, I am no longer the owner of the cutest little house in Yarraville. And even though settlement is not until early December I guess you could say I am homeless until my new shack is completed in October 2016.

At least the excavators have arrived and it's all on.
But it is a little scary to say the least.
But not quite as scary as Auction day. I don't think I knew the meaning of the word mental exhaustion until that day. Hopes were high and support from family and friends was overwhelming. 



More than a few contracts had been handed out and the bidders 'were out there'.  In fact 84 people in the street. 
I should have held a sausage sizzle.




The night before the auction my friend Gigi told me to write on a piece of paper the amount of money I was hoping the house would sell for, and sleep with it under my pillow. I wasn't really sure if it was meant to be a "Dear God" letter but erring on the side of caution, mine was. I couldn't really stop at just a certain figure so I also asked God to watch over all my loved ones, named and unnamed on that scrap of paper.  In the middle of the night I woke up and realised the letter was missing so I had to turn on the light and scurry around under the bed looking for it! I wasn't prepared to tempt fate. So safely back under the pillow it went. 



And so it started. 
But not one bid.
Which didn't have me concerned in the first 5 minutes or so. 
Maybe it was the 2 glasses of red I downed at 11:30 am that took the edge off.
But 10 minutes later when there was still not one single bid the nerves began to set in.
And it was just awful. I was on the phone to my family in Qld who kept asking if any bids yet? To which I had to keep replying .. no .. any .. no .. any .. no ..
Heartbreaking.
We were all feeling more that a little unsettled.

And so the auctioneer declared the property about to passed in when one little voice piped up. A lone wolf who hadn't even inspected the property until that day. A youngish guy. As nervous as all get out. The bid was laughable, the property was passed in and the bidder was invited in to negotiate, as is oft the way. My lovely agent worked some magic, and trust me, I don't believe I have ever used the word 'lovely' before 'agent' in my lifetime, unless we are talking James Bond, but eventually an acceptable sale price was agreed on. 

Our school archivist is dying. 
Jena. 
She seems to have accepted it with more grace than we have.
Prior to last week the last time I saw her was around June. Of course we didn't know then that would be the last time we would see her so it was business as usual.
Jena is a non drinking non swearing Methodist. Who is offended by nothing. Which is just as well as around our lunch table there are no subjects left unexplored. 
Conversation is robust but we always make up before the bell tolls!

We have remained in touch with Jena through letters and cards and phone calls etc. but due to her weakened immune state and the fact that we have all had terrible coughs and colds, visits have been very few.
Last week the lunch door opened and there was Jena. The words 'shock of my life' probably sum it up as best as any.
Thin, fragile and wearing a beanie, but there she was. 
Same happy smile and bright blue eyes.
And so we rallied. For Jena. 
Jena had always regaled us with stories of her interesting life. 
And that day she continued to do so. 
Maybe she felt the need to get them out while she still could. 
Being an archivist Jena's home was likened to a museum. The day she visited she bought in little bits and pieces that she wanted Firbank to have. She loved Firbank.


One piece was an antique metronome. 
It was her grandparents, a French piece and it is quite exquisite. 
As a child banging away at the piano I was always mesmerized by the metronome, and when I woke up at 3:00 am this morning listening to my wall clock tick tock I couldn't help but think of that metronome.
It is smaller than the more common variety. A little like Jena.



As she tired quite rapidly the time came for us to say our goodbyes. This time it wasn't business as usual. I walked her out to her car and try as hard as I could to remain brave I became a little emotional. Why hide how you feel anyway. 
For what purpose?
I gave her a very long hug and all she said was 'it's fine sweetheart - everything is fine'. 

The afternoon of the auction I came back to Brighton around 5:00 pm. I made a cup of tea and lay down on my bed. I was absolutely and utterly wrecked. 
I was crunching numbers in my head until I fell asleep. When I woke up at 7:00 pm it was dark and I was SO exhausted I could barely move. I hadn't even taken my boots off!

Yarraville sold for around $50k less than what I had hoped for. I was feeling very flat about that. The thought of having to have a mortgage again after not having had a mortgage for such a long time evoked sadness.
When I listed the cutest little house in Yarraville on the market there were very few houses for sale. Maybe that was why I felt so positive. But by the weekend of the auction the numbers for sale had grown significantly and the prices were all around what I was hoping for. But most of these houses had been newly renovated and the cutest little house in Yarraville hadn't been. And even though it was cosy and comfortable and extremely livable - location was the major selling point.
Slowly I came to accept that my lovely agent really had worked very hard to fetch me a very good price. And as I went over and over and over this in my mind, I managed to drag myself out of bed, boots and all, boil an egg, boil the kettle and feel a little more at peace with the outcome and acceptance for the future. 
I guess this is how Jena must feel.
I made a promise to Jena that as long as I was at school she would always be present around our lunch table. It is a promise I know we will keep.
"It's fine sweetheart - everything is fine". 

That little metronome will be the beat of Jena's heart long after she has gone.
I have kept the letter I penned that night before the auction. To remind me that what will be will be.
It's in my bedside table. 

And if you are reading this blog you can be fairly certain your name appears on that heartfelt letter.

Life is sometimes not what we hope for but the beat goes on.

And never forget that sometimes it is a lovely thing when your heart manages to skip a little beat along the way!

Jena passed away peacefully the day after I wrote this blog. 
Her best friend was holding her hand.

Renewal

I have discovered the Thai Massage Parlour. 
There are not many parts of me that aren't currently aching.
It's this bitterly cold winter we are experiencing, my coldest ever since moving to Melbourne in 1996. It's miserable. We have a permanent car park at Cabrini Hospital because we are all dropping off like flies. Runny nosed, coughing and spluttering, dizzy, aching old flies. 
And that is WITH the flu vaccination. Les Miserables. 
That's us.



I don't go there very often but I very much like this little place in Church Street. It's very clean and the ladies are very sweet and very efficient. The only down side is that you can't claim it back on your Health Insurance .. but after only receiving $68 back from BUPA with my Top Cover after my Carpal Tunnel Surgery (which cost around 3K) my expectations are no longer very high.

Massage. I always battle with it a little. A complete stranger in a lightly lit room caressing your almost naked body with their strong oily hands. This place is particularly interesting - as you don't actually see which of the masseuses has worked on you until the chop chop chop chop chop chop chop big ending. Ta Da!

My little home is on the market. The cutest little house in the Village. 
Well I like to think so. 
Emotions are high and I am struggling with letting go. So many happy memories and so many sad ones. But my very first home nonetheless.
I think I have a stomach ulcer. 
That's how anxious I am.



http://www.realestate.com.au/property-house-vic-yarraville-120333193




Last week in the midst of my lurgy - tired, aching and emotional I visited the massage parlour. Cocooned on the warmth of the table in the lightly fragranced room I put my head through the hole on the bed and looked at the bamboo bowl on the floor beneath brimming with pebbles and pretty flowers.
The soothing massage began and before too long I was wondering how many tears, apart from my own had that strategically placed bamboo bowl collected. 





Spring will be here soon - a time for renewal. And that is exactly what I am going through.
After paying my $500 excess for my Carpal Tunnel surgery I have decided I need to get my money's worth!
Who would have thought that I, with a lifelong fear of hospitals would willingly sign up to go another round. Well I did. And I have. Not even I have managed to get my head around this concept yet!
After my Mum's diagnosis with Bowel Cancer 2 years past I was advised to have a routine colonoscopy.
Yep. OK. Sure. No worries. Roger that. Not!
But when several of my colleagues and friends spoke of how gorgeous the gastroenterologist was, well I thought I better go see for myself! Well he was lovely, but let's not forgot the Anaesthetist! Phoar!

I won't go on about how ghastly the lead up was, I am sure everyone knows that, but I will say how enjoyable that little stay in hospital was. Everyone was so kind, it didn't smell hospitally, everyone knew someone who knew someone, almost a social occasion! I had a beautiful sleep with no tossing and turning (at least that I know about!), the drip in my hand didn't hurt or bruise, and I came out of it with a clean bill of the bowel - plus lunch! How reassuring.




So buoyed by this experience I am NOT stopping there.
The 50,000 km overhaul has begun. The list is being checked off. Gosh until you even make a list you have no idea how many girly bits there are that require maintenance. Blimey.
That $500 excess will be money well spent.

I went to have my chronically aching shoulder x-rayed. 
It has ached for 8 years

now. Without reprieve. The Chinese would say from the load I have carried. The Physiotherapist would say because I need to just sit up straight! The Chinese are so polite! While I was sitting in the waiting room of my new favourite place, Cabrini Hospital, busily diverting my attention by playing on my iPad in case I saw something yukky, the nurse came out and called Mr James. I thought she said Ms James so up I jumped. But then I realised she said Mr James and I thought - with a sense of wonder really - that had my Dad lived, Mr James, he would be this elderly man walking towards the nurse right now. 
It will be 37 years tomorrow since we said goodbye to him. 08/08/78
That was indeed another cold winter. I found it very poignant that the last place I saw him alive was in a hospital - which created so much fear throughout my life, and yet here I now was, with another Mr James and feeling very much at peace. 
Renewal.

The Real Estate Agent called me this afternoon. He asked me how I was feeling. I told him the truth - overwhelmed with anxiety. He said don't be worried. 'We' are tracking quite nicely. He said if he's not worried then I shouldn't be worried either.
But I am.
I am no different to anyone else. I want the best price for the cutest little house in Yarraville so I can continue with my renewal.
Without debt. A big ask I know.
But I really want this. I'm putting it out there.
Maybe Dad can help me.

I lost quite a few tears into that pretty bowl under the massage bed that day and I am sure in the next few weeks I'll lose a whole lot more.
The overwhelming sense of being touched, the sadness of the past and the hope for the future. 
If that is what renewal takes, then I am up for it. 
Here's to warmer days to come.
And maybe just around the corner.